The Narcissistic Personality Disorder must be one of the most mis-used diagnosis I have seen people use to describe anyone they have had a bad relationship with; but the truth is that while a person may not have a full blown personality disorder meeting all the criteria needed to be diagnosed people can still possess toxic traits that are harmful.
All that being said in my work with people who possess Narcissistic traits will likely find themselves in a relationship with a person who is codependent and overly caretaking and visa versa. The most obvious reason I have seen this toxic dynamic come together is due to the Narc personality needing the attention to validate and justify their behavior.
Why are these personality types attracted to each other?
Especially in the beginning of the relationship the Narcissist will exude confidence and charisma in attempts at gaining the new romantic interests attention; they will also engage in love bombing, showering their partner with attention and affection because they idealize this person who will be tasked with meeting all of their emotional needs. The co-dependent seeks validation and approval from others to boost their self-esteem so the skilled and charming nature of a Narcissist makes them feel loved and special.
Then Things Go Sideways
Both personality types have low self-esteem but what makes this toxic combo dangerous is that the co-dependent will pride themselves on sacrificing their own needs to rescue the narcissist when their true personality arises and they begin to demean and degrade their partner. The co-dependent views their narc partner as suffering emotional turmoil and believes that if they can once again make them happy by sacrificing their own needs and excusing emotional abuse that they can fix them. This then feeds into the narcs ego and entitlements perpetuating the victim role. The Narcissist then begins to blame their own behavior on the co-dependent which justifies every toxic thing they might do. The Narcissist lacks the ability to take accountability and the co-dependent lack the self-esteem and autonomy to set healthy boundaries.
Similarities
The truth is that the co-dependent and the narcissist may very well be attracted to each other due to their similarities which our minds may pick up on as familiar. Both are looking for someone to meet their emotional needs which is why the beginning of the relationship can feel like a dream come true. Both seek out dysfunctional relationships due to their own history of dysfunctional family of origin; both suffer from low self-esteem and rely heavily on the validation of others to confirm their sense of self and feel good about themselves. Both have unstable boundaries in different ways, the codependent has a difficult time saying no or engages in people pleasing while the narcissist tends to disregard other people's boundaries in pursuit of their own desires.
Healthy Boundaries, Internal Validation, and Solid Self-Esteem
So many people I have talked to and worked with on this particular topic have said something similar to "I read all the books, I took a class and I still keep ending up in the same dynamic and I don't know why" I HEAR YOU!! This is because the trauma a person has experienced may cause them to take a deep dive into learning everything they can about their perceived nemesis but they still have not learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain them, rely on themselves for validation and sense of self, and still have a fragile self-esteem because of the pain they have endured.
My suggestion this: is stop spending all your time becoming an expert on the Narcissist or the co-dependent or any of the other perceived nemesis's and become an expert on you.
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